i would punch a child for taco bell
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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