Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
