if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
