Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
this hospital has no fireball
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
