if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize