So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
