My first STD was from a foam party
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
my poor anus
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize