Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
