My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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