saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
