you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if only i could text you this smell
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The uberlube is also flammable
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
