Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
