zippers are such a cool invention
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
