Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
