If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
