so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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