Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
