i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
