I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you win again, gameday.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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