Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
