i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
