I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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