Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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