mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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