The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
