what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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