I wish I could punch you in the face.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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