dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
