I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
