Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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