Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
