dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
