just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
