Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
