I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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