I could make wine with my vomit
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
