Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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