Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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