I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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