remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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