he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize