I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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