I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Come share oat with me in your robe
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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