Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
