1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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