well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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