Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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