I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
