My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
