So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
