At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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