I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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