New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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