i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
