Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
