i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
birth control should be required to get into college
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
