I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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