R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
