I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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