chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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