In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I puked a lego.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
