I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Randomize
