my being single is dangerous.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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