FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
