my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
