Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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