I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
